Dear Gerardo,

June 12, 2005, I remember that day. It seems as if it were yesterday when we started the beginning of our special relationship. I can still feel butterflies in my stomach when I'm around you. I can still feel the impact of your lips pressing against mine for the first time. I can even feel the fear that surrounded us because of the age difference between us. It never bothered me, I never let the age difference hold me back from you. I remember you would always say, “You are my pretty little tease, and age doesn’t matter.” Obstacles never did what they were meant to do in our relationship. Everything was perfect between us and we were so happy together. I always cherish those good times we had together and I never forget why Michael was born. September 8, 2007, the happiest day of my life, was the day I became a "mommy". I can truly say Michael was made out of pure love. Because of Michael, we learned how to be patient with each other and understand each other better, that’s where our love came from; it's how our love was developed. For example, do you remember when I would wait hours for you to get home so I could help you study? I dealt with waiting for you and accompanying you with studying so I could help you graduate Cal State LA on time, because I cared. Also, at the same time I dealt with this:  I still had to go to school, work, and be a mom. This made a stronger bond between us because we understood our differences and worked through it.We learned how to deal with school, work, bills and a beautiful son.

I always thought our lives were settled, our plans were perfect. After Cal State LA, you would attend and graduate from USC and become a pediatrician. By then, I would start college and that would be our excuse to move out of Los Angeles. We were going to buy a house in San Luis Obispo; I would graduate from Cal Poly and become a teacher. I had always imagined my life next to you. I had pictured the perfect family in my head, but our plan didn’t happen as I imagined. You graduated and received your career, you do live in new apartment and I am attending Cal Poly-as planned. However, there is one dream that doesn't abide with our plan, we are no longer living happily ever after with each other. We're separated and living different stories now.

Until today, I still don’t understand what went wrong between us. We were always sincere and honest with each other, regardless of the circumstances. The first time you ever trusted me with a secret, you told me, “now it’s our secret, don’t ever share it babe.” Up til this very day, not a single word of our secrets has left my mouth. After all, the best feature of our relationship was the trust we shared together. Even though times were hard sometimes, we would always consider our family rich. It was rich in love and trust, something that money can’t buy. At the end of each day we would both agree that everything  paid off because we were together. We would give each other a good night kiss and then rest to start a new day the morning after. A break up between us never crossed my mind, especially after Michael was born and our engagement. I never actually thought of myself being in our picture of a perfect family without you. Apparently you did though because you changed your mind about us.

I want to know how you were feeling when we terminated our relationship. I know you have a lot of pride and you wouldn’t want to say anything that would hurt me or make you look like the bad guy. Just keep in consideration that I’m not going to judge you, this is between us two.  I want you to help me understand why we stopped functioning as a family and as a couple, I want you to open your heart to me and tell me your concerns, feelings and thoughts. Remember the time you told me “two years together and zero mysteries between us, let’s not forget why we are in love.” Now I’m asking you to please be sincere. I promise to stay quiet, not interrupt you and not cry; the way you like it. We can even order pepperoni pizza and listen to music while we talk, so we can feel comfortable and open up, just like when we met.

I understand it’s hard to talk about it because the conversation might have an awkward feeling but at the end it will only make our relationship better, especially because we have a kid together, and no I am not using Michael as an excuse to talk about this, but we cannot forget he is part of both of our lives, forever. I want our son to grow up in a healthy environment, I want the best for him and I know you do too. Remember when he started playing baseball and he said, “I want to be just like daddy, because he’s my hero,” and you got teary eyed? Well Gerardo, it’s time to be his hero. Let’s work together; I'll help you be his hero. Let's provide a better future for our son, he deserves it. I don’t want him to realize our relationship isn't like it used to be. I want him to know both of his parents well enough to love us the same, and I want him to have a transparent picture about us.

Before you think about it, no, I’m not a psychologist, but I do know it’s always good to let go all those thoughts and feelings out of you, it’s good for your soul. If you know for sure you are not willing to work things out with me and you probably want to find someone else, then you need to release everything you’re holding back that has to do with me. I can imagine you might feel guilty for breaking my heart, for breaking your promise, “my retard, I promise to never hurt you or Michael,” but with this exercise you can get rid of the guilt. What if we both agree on everything and there’s no need for guilt. Also don’t forget that no matter what the reason in your head was I will never hate you. I just want to be with you in good terms, like two educated humans, rather than fighting and arguing. At the end of the day all I want and hope with my entire heart is to see you happy, to know your life is what you really want, to see a beautiful smile on your face.

Being parents have taught us a lot, and Michael is only 4. Now think how was for your parents to find out we were splitting, after considering me a daughter, after having a grandchild, after even having a date for our wedding. It was a dramatic change that they weren’t expecting, but the situation with your parents would get better if we later clarify what we agreed and talk about. They wouldn’t reproach you leaving me and your son anymore. From this conversation you can get a good argument with a lot of support for your parents, and I’m sure after you explain yourself they will understand and support you all over again, just like you like it. We both know that we will never judge Michael, but at the same time we would ask for valid reasons to his actions. Think how the reconciliation with your parents would make your life better, I know you miss them a whole lot, I know you want them to say out loud how proud they feel about their son, their baby Gerardo. I know you want to be back to their life without them judging you; this is the chance to tell them and make them understand why we broke up. After this, you wouldn’t be the bad son, father and even boyfriend. You would gain their trust all over again, and there would be no more attitudes over a misunderstanding.

 On the other hand, you would actually help me understand what I did wrong. You can help me be a better person, like you’ve done before. Remember when you helped me improve my self-image because I would always think I was obese even after losing weight? No matter what others said I wouldn't believe them, only you. You help me see my mistakes; or when I would get upset at my mom for judging me, you told me to wait until I was a mom to understand and you were right. I now understand my mom a little better; I can see a lot of her attitudes towards me with different eyes. You taught me to be patient, and be careful with my instantaneous actions, which has been really useful now that I’m older. I want you to understand that I admire you, but sometimes I do want to hold bad feelings against you, this can change by talking and expressing your opinion though. It will help me see that you are not a bad person. I understand sometimes humans just make random decisions, but again, I don’t want to assume anything I just want to have the real exact answer that comes from the bottom of your heart. If we fix this issue between us I know that would help me grow as a mom and I will be better at what I say or do with Michael. I want to get my soul back into my body; I want to be able to feel happy again, I want to feel complete like I once did. Without knowing the reasons of our break up, I feel like I’m missing a part, like I have a hole in my chest. This hole wants to be filled in soon, and only you can help me.

Maybe we can work something out. I would never force you to do anything you don't want, but I think I do deserve a precise answer. I don’t want you to say what I want to hear, I want a real answer. I don’t want to  hold back anything. I want the best for our family. If you think about it, our lives have been miserable because of these hidden answers. It's time to change this, it’s time to improve our lifestyle. The sooner we come up with a conclusion the better. At this point I don’t know if this will make a difference, but if it helps to know, Gerardo I still love you.

-Always and forever, nelly, your drama queen, your retard.